she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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