I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
