the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
