This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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