but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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