I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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