I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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