I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
