then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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