phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
