I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
