I just cut my nipple shaving
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
