If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
