can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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