when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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