just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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