nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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