i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
only if we run a train.
done.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
