I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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