It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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