I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
