So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
