I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
