Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
