you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
