this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
