I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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