I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
