Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he wants to bone in the snuggie
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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