he puts the penis in happiness.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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