you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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