Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
