You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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