Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
