I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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