I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
