evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
