So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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