I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
