I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
