At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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