if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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