dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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