im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
