I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
