If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
