I cannot find my penis.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
