your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
