Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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