remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
