Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
