my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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